Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
