I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
