Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
