I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she peed on how many people?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
did i just pee glitter
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
