ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
