You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
