I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
