I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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