I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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