No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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