he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
