I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
