We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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