It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
