let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
