i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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