he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
