What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm really busy with my period
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