He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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