I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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