Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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