i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?