"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself