I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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