I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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