It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
