I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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