I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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