Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
