Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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