Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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