My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
