I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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