How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
