I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
