I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I enjoy the company of your penis
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
