i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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