in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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