i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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