She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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