my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
