yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
