i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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