Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
