I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
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we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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