i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Pants are for mortals
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
