4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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