i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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