i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
