I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
