it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
