I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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