Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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