I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
