apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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