all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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