Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Can you bring me the toilet please
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
