You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
